Is It Selfish To Want A Second Baby?

children holding handsI had someone ask me recently, if I thought she was being selfish for wanting a second baby.  She had already given birth to a little girl when she was 38 and now, at 40, she really wanted another child.

Her daughter was very precious, and she had thought when trying for her first baby: “could she just have one”. Now she wasn’t content with just one.  Was she being selfish?

Lots of women have difficulty having one child and here she was getting stressed because she wanted another child – and the clock was ticking!  She really did feel very selfish.

She already had a child, was happy enough at work and had a great relationship with her husband.  Why couldn’t she just be satisfied?  Wasn’t it greedy and selfish to want another child, especially when other women were having such a hard time just having one?

But when she saw her daughter, she longed to give her a brother or sister: a sibling to connect to and share with.

Well, it’s a good question.  Is it selfish?

For me, babies and children bring us love and joy (and lots of work and responsibility and sleepless nights – but who cares!).  And just as importantly, they give us an opportunity to share our love.  How can it be selfish to want to bring more love and joy into the world?

What do you think?


Fertility Spells – Would You?

magic wand

Some time ago, I read an article on entitled “Fertility Spells – do they work?”.  Netmums had conducted a survey of 2,000 women to find out what really works […]

Over 50% had tried old wives tales in an attempt to conceive

  • 22% had tried fertility statues
  • 29% had used a clairvoyant
  • 25% had tried a fertility spell

And did it work?

  • 77% of the group said that just taking action and doing something made them feel better
  • 15% said they thought they got some benefit

I have to say that I found the article confusing because it made no distinction between holistic therapies, clairvoyance, fertility statues and spells.  I’d say they were very different, but, that may be the subject for another blog, so …

Would you try a fertility spell?  I think I might, because when you think about it, a spell (and I’m not talking occult practices) is just a goal setting exercise which is specifically designed to work on the unconscious mind.

You would begin by sitting quietly or meditating or preparing yourself in some way before you turn your attention and focus to your heart’s desire.  You may write down your heart’s desire and burn it, allowing the energy to be released into the Universe to be manifest.  Or you might conduct a ritual at a specific time (maybe the new moon).  Perhaps you create a symbol to represent your heart’s desire and place it somewhere with special significance.  Or maybe you repeat powerful words to manifest your desire.

You may even do them all together.

Weird and whacky?  Definitely!  But effective, why not?  Not when you consider what you’re actually doing when you are “casting a spell”.

  • The preparation and sitting quietly allows you to remove yourself from the activity of your life, to connect with your feelings, to allow a greater balance between your conscious and unconscious mind and to turn your undivided attention to your objective.
  • The ritual that usually goes with a spell is a signal to your unconscious mind that it needs to pay attention.  It also normally involves some kind of physical activity which helps to connect you to your heart’s desire in both mind and body.
  • Taking time to cast a spell also forces you to focus exclusively on your heart’s desire – what you want, rather than what you don’t want.  You’ve set aside a time, specifically for this and for those moments, your heart’s desire is the sole focus of your attention.
  • Normally spells require that you symbolically let go of your desire – writing it down and burning it, letting go of sky lanterns, throwing coins into fountains.  This detachment from the outcome is an essential part of manifesting your heart’s desire – holding onto things too tightly stifles the energy required to create it.
  • The whole process is one huge symbol, a metaphore that your unconscious mind will find easy to relate to – and getting pregnant is an unconscious act, so you really do want your unconscious mind in on the act.
  • Spells help to build belief.  After all, it’s unlikely that you’ll go through all the motions of the ritual required by your spell if you don’t believe it might work – even the benefit of the doubt could be enough the tip the balance in your favour – the more likely you will get to that place where you believe it WILL work.

So do spells work?  Well you never know …….

Want an example of a fertility spell?  Join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club and you’ll find a fertility spell posted for you to try, and you’ll also get to connect (in a private group) with other women who are on the same baby-making path and want to give and get support to stay sane and positive.


Is The Biggest Block To Getting Pregnant … You?


yes you canOne of your key concerns when you want to get pregnant is making sure you “beat the clock“: that you get pregnant before nature takes it’s course and egg numbers and quality reduce.  It can be a real psychological pressure that uses up lots of emotional and intellectual energy.

Could you be too depleted to conceive?

If you invest lots of emotional energy in your desire to get pregnant and it’s taking a while, you may be running down your reserves of physical, emotional and psychological energy.  That investment of your energy may be counter-productive because it may be creating a resistance that actually works against you.

Did you see my video about “Trying Too Hard”?  If not, the link is at the bottom of this piece and it gives an insight into the negative effects of trying too hard and how it can create resistance.

Resistance inhibits the flow of energy and it’s a source of stress.  Resistance is like trying to drive with the brakes on: you’re trying to move forward, but there’s a drag on that effort and the harder you try to move forward, the stronger the drag.  So what creates that resistance?

Emotional factors such as fear (of never getting pregnant), or trying too hard, or wanting a baby too much (in an obsessive way), or not believing you deserve to get pregnant or that you can’t get pregnant – will all create a drag, a resistance to the natural flow of life.

Are you creating resistance?  Are you getting in your own way?  Are you making it more difficult than you need to?

If so, write a list of all the ways in which you may be making life more difficult for yourself than it needs to be – for all areas of your life, not just your baby-making efforts.  And now for each item on your list, write down three things you might do instead to make your life lighter and easier.  You’ll find it releases a huge amount of energy and allows you to be more yourself.

For Example:

How I make my life more difficult                                                    Solutions

I’m constantly thinking about getting pregnant                         I’m going to distract myself with X, Y or Z

I’m going to harness my thoughts about getting                 pregnant by doing research about how I can improve my chances of getting pregnant

I’m going to do a visualisation every day, so that when I think about getting pregnant, it’s in a positive way

Give yourself permission to think of solutions that are simple and easy to apply – and maybe even a bit whacky! Allow yourself to become free of resistance and you will find it is possible to attract great things with ease and grace.

If you haven’t already seen it, check out my video on “Trying Too Hard”.

And if you want more help in overcoming some of the emotional challenges on your baby-making journey, join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club – it’s a private facebook group where you can connect with other women to give and get support.

Can You Insist On Getting Pregnant?

Determined To SucceedA while ago, I was listening on Youtube to Martin Broffman, a healer, talking about – well, you guessed it … healing.

His talk was aimed at people who were ill and wanted to get better and I was very struck by his emphasis on INSISTING that something be so.

He was suggesting to people who were ill, that they should insist that their body heal itself, and the idea stopped me in my tracks.

Aren’t words powerful! And “insist” for me, is a powerful word.

Here’s a dictionary definition:

“demand something forcefully, not accepting refusal, stand firm, be firm, stand one’s ground, make a stand, stand up for oneself, be resolute, be determined, show determination, hold on, hold out, be emphatic, not take no for an answer, brook no refusal, persevere, persist, not give up, keep on at someone, stick to one’s guns, stick it out, hang in there.”

Insist doesn’t mean control, or manipulate, it’s not airy fairy or full of drama or hope, but neither is it’s not about trying or making things happen.  It’s about expecting that something will happen, about being resolute, determined, persistent and not taking no for an answer.

When you insist something will be so, you are resolved, congruent (all of you wants it), calm and detached, confident of the outcome, prepared to continue until you achieve that outcome.  Insist, is a word of certainty and relentless determination, it’s a word that recognises no other outcome than that being insisted upon.

If you are completely 100% insistent that something should happen, and you have resolve that nothing will stop you, your mind and body can hardly fail but to respond – or at least there is a much better chance that they will.

For example, I have met a  woman who had gone through 6 rounds of IVF, who began to suffer regular migraine headaches after her first round of hormone injections, and who, eventually, did have a child.  I suspect she was very insistent!

How insistent could you be?

If you want to know how your language can improve your chances of getting pregnant, join the Baby Making Mindset Club to find out:

Are You Too Stressed To Conceive?

stress and trying to conceive

How to stop stressing and get pregnant more easily.

Now I know there are as many medical opinions that say stress is bad as say it makes no difference to your ability to conceive, but it’s my opinion that stress has a very negative impact on the body and can particularly impact on the reproductive system – both in women and men.

So, if you’re feeling stressed, what can you do.  Well the usual things: avoid long hours and excessive pressure at work; eat well; get regular exercise; get enough sleep; avoid alcohol, caffeine and nicotine; and make sure you have FUN.

But the most difficult types of stressors to deal with are those that don’t have a beginning, middle and end – like fertility issues.  In this case, the stress response remains switched on and begins to build momentum, making it ever more difficult to cope.  And of course, obsessing about becoming pregnant – all too easy a trap to fall into – will create it’s own, self-imposed stress.

If you want or need to reduce your stress levels, here are three things you can do today that will help:


Work is just work, it’s not your whole life, so keep the hours and your commitment to work in proportion.  Make sure your life outside work is fulfilling and fun and make time for friends and family.  Keep lots of variety in your life – it’s a great distraction for those “mind monkeys” that can lead you up the path to obsessing.  Be grateful for what you have – each breath is a reason to feel grateful – it will help you stay positive.

2.   RELAX

Sit for 15 minutes every day and do nothing.  Notice your breathing and observe how, as you become more and more relaxed, your breathing becomes slower.  The faster the pace your life is, the more important it is to be able to stop.  After all, if you were buying a fast car, you’d want to know it had great brakes!


What you focus on grows, so make sure you focus on what you WANT, rather than what you DON’T WANT.  If the voice in your head is telling you you’re never going to get pregnant, that’s what you’re likely to create.  So, visualise what you WANT over and over again, and programme yourself to focus on what you want.

If you’d like more tips and support you can join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club and join other women who want to share, support and sometimes even have a bit of a moan.


Are You Ready To Receive A Child?

Are you so busy chasing your heart's desire that you forget to stop and receive it?

Get ready to receive your child with a change of mindset

Are you relentlessly chasing your dream of getting pregnant?  Have you do mountains of research on nutritional do’s and don’ts?  Do you have a regime in place to check ovulation?  Have you looked at herbs, acupuncture, and anything else you might do to improve your chances of getting pregnant?

And still you’re not pregnant.  Do you now worry that there may be a physical problem that the doctor’s haven’t picked up on yet?  Are you thinking about IVF or assisted treatments?

If you’re not getting the results you want, have you considered that your mindset may be holding  you back?  If your focus has been on chasing your dream, perhaps it’s time for a change.  After all that chasing the dream can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Maybe it’s time to stop chasing the dream and start getting ready to receive.

Oh, I know, it feels completely counter-intuitive: after all, how can not pursuing something bring it closer?  And for most people, even the thought of letting go their heart’s desire will be very, very uncomfortable. 

But think about the energy and intention of your actions – what do you think might be more in keeping with the process of creation: chasing after something, or attracting something to you?

If what you’re doing is causing you stress AND it’s not working, maybe it’s time for a change.  And sometimes approaching a problem from a new angle can help.

Instead of directing your focus on what you want, can I suggest that you try giving yourself a break and instead think about what you’re ready to receive, now.  How would it cause you to feel if, every time you thought about getting pregnant, it was in the mental and emotional space of getting ready to receive a child?


Try it now.  Just sit for a moment and begin to be aware of your breath going in and out of your body.  Notice how, with each outward breath you become more and more relaxed.  And then, imagine yourself in a state where you are waiting in quiet anticipation for your baby.  Imagine yourself being ready to receive this new life.  Enjoy the passive nature of receiving.  Notice how you don’t need to strive, or struggle, or be deserving: you just need to be, to be open, and to be ready and willing to receive.

If this exercise doesn’t feel comfortable or natural, then perhaps you have a bit of mental and emotional work to do.  Why not start by signing up at the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club, where women who are TTC get together to share their emotional journeys and receive some useful tips on how to develop a Baby Making Mindset.

5 Negative Mindsets To Avoid If You’re TTC

same old thinking, same old results

5 negative mindsets to avoid if you’re trying to conceive

Can your thoughts, attitudes and behaviours really affect your ability to get pregnant?  I’d say “Perhaps”.  But your thoughts, attitudes and behaviours absolutely make your journey to motherhood more or less fraught and emotionally draining.

Here are my top 5 mindsets to avoid if you want your path to pregnancy to be as painless as possible …..

1.   DOUBT

What you tell yourself is always right.  So, if you don’t think that you can get pregnant (or carry a baby full term) then that’s likely to be true.

Any doubt in your mind means that you’re not 100% – a part of you is holding back.  Perhaps it’s to protect you from disappointment, or pain, or for some other reason.

Doubt can create anxiety and stress and that really doesn’t help, if you want to get pregnant, or carry your baby full term.

But, that doubt – however large or small – is preventing you from being 100% committed to what you most desire.  Remove all doubt and become 100% committed towards your goal.


I don’t know about you, but I’m really fed up hearing lots of gloomy statistics about fertility rates for the over 35s.  In fact, I heard about a TV programme recently which was saying that if you’re over 30 your chance of conceiving goes down.

But …

Statistics are always pulled out in support of an argument or point.  I’m sure I could find a different set of statistics that supported an opposing view.

Statistics are figures, not people.  I personally know of lots of women who seem to defy the statistics by getting pregnant (both naturally and assisted) at 35, 40, 42 and even 46!

Good news is no news, so if you read it in the papers or watch it on TV it’s likely to be negative, gloomy and disempowering.  Can you imagine a TV programme being commissioned about a bunch of happy, healthy, 40 plus women who got pregnant nturally?  I don’t think so.

But if you follow the bloggers, you’re much more likely to find people who started blogging because of their difficulties in getting pregnant but who have subsequently become pregnant either naturally or assisted.

The truth you find, depends on where you look.  So, ignore the negative statistics and stories and start collecting success stories of women who’ve become pregnant under challenging circumstances.  It will banish your doubt and build your belief that you too can do it.

3.   FEAR

The fear that you won’t get pregnant has a negative effect on your body and can trigger anxiety and stress and so create the very circumstances you DON’T want.  Fear feeds doubt and stops you being 100% committed to realising your desire.


Now I’ve been talking about being 100% committed to realising your desire.  But obsession is 100% PLUS, and that’s taking it too far.

Obsession not only increases stress, but can have a very serious and negative impact on your mental health.
Obsession means you’re holding too tightly to that which you desire: obsession is a controlling state, not a baby creating state!


Anxiety is a stress state which can trigger depression and that in turn can reduce your ability to conceive.

Anxiety occure when we hold negative beliefs about the future – and what you focus on grows.  You don’t know what the future holds, so why not imaging a positive, rather than a negative future?  If you want to know why telling big fat lies about the future is good, check out my video at

If you’d like to join a group of women who are all TTC, join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club.  You can get and give support, have a bit of a moan and learn how to manage your mindset with the psychology of conception. You’ll find us at

Are You in Two Minds About Getting Pregnant?

Two Minds About Getting Pregnant

Are You In Two Minds About Getting Pregnant?

Could you be in two minds about getting pregnant?

What you desire on a conscious level, and what your mind is programmed to create on an unconscious level may be at odds with each other.

Sometimes your unconscious mind can sabotage your best efforts, so it’s important to be absolutely clear about a few things:

1.   What do you want?

Be specific and say it in the positive (what you want, rather than what you don’t want).

2.   What’s preventing you from getting it?

Take the first thing that comes up.  This really is a question for the unconscious mind, so your first, most instinctive response is likely to be the most accurate – regardless of how absurd.

Now, I know many of you will be saying “I don’t know” when you answer this question … but if you did know, what would you say?

3.   What would it mean to you to have a baby?

Again, be specific and positive.  Write to down, daydream about it.  Imagine it as if it were really happening now.

4.   What will you have to give up in order to have a baby and what impact will that have on your life?

Be very honest here, because a conflict between what you have now and what you may have to give up, in order to have a baby, may be stopping you on an unconscious level.

Imagine your life as it would be once you’ve had your baby and given up your existing lifestyle – is it OK? Really?  What bits of your present life are you going to miss most?

And when I talk about what you have to give up, I’m not just talking about “stuff” – a bursting wardrobe, luxury holidays, lunches with friends, favourite indulgences (if you’re lucky enough to have them)  – I’m also talking about career aspirations; time; control; how you define yourself; your existing relationships, your belief system, etc.

However you are placed work and money wise, something will have to change when the baby comes.  Is that OK?  Really?

It’s important when you want something, to be congruent, to have all of you – mind, body, emotions, behaviour and spirit – all moving towards your desire.

So, how do you know if your unconscious mind is sabotaging your efforts?  You can be aware of your behaviour – if what you DO is likely to get different results from what you WANT, then that’s likely to be self-sabotage.  For example, if you know you need to reduce your stress levels, but you continue to work mad hours, or you don’t take time out to relax, then you’re not being congruent.

Take care of yourself and pay attention to what you do.  Your actions need to be consistent with your desires.

Join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club– it’s a private facebook group that lets you share, support, moan and generally get support on your baby making journey.  And you get free tips and hints on how to even out the emotional highs and lows.

Unexplained Infertility – Does Not Knowing Drive You Mad?

mad faceThe most common cause of infertility is unexplained infertility, accounting as it does for around 30% of infertility problems. Unexplained infertility means that, after investigations, doctors cannot find any medical problem causing infertility.  Is it driving you mad, not knowing what might be stopping you from conceiving?

You’ve been to the doctor, submitted to all the tests (which may have taken an age to organise), and still you don’t know why you’re not getting pregnant.  By now you may have convinced yourself that if you’re not getting pregnant then there must be something wrong.  Maybe the doctors just haven’t found it!

You go on-line and search for anything that might account for the fact that you’re not getting pregnant.  And of course, hormones are not the body’s most consistent, reliable and easily tracked function, so that increases the guesswork and uncertainty.  A few months of trying to find an explanation of why you’re not getting pregnant, and you may have convinced yourself that there is something really wrong that the doctors just haven’t found yet.  You may even have decided for yourself what that might be.

But have you considered that there may be nothing wrong?

If you’re under (or around) 35, healthy, and have had no history of menstrual problems, then it’s just as likely that there’s nothing wrong, than that you have some undiagnosed problem.  What may be happening is that you’re getting yourself into a state, which causes you to feel more worried and out of sorts physically and emotionally.  Your mind is focusing on what you don’t want – not being pregnant or having an undiagnosed problem – and that’s what you’re getting.  You worry that time is running out and that increases your levels of anxiety, creating an unhealthy internal environment which may knock your hormones out of kilter.

The thing about unexplained infertility is that it’s “unexplained”.  You don’t know and your doctor hasn’t been able to find a reason.  Trying to find a reason (when there may not be one) is likely to get you very stressed.

If you’ve walked this path, I’d ask you to consider the possibility that there may be nothing wrong (even after 5 or more years of trying).  You don’t have to believe it, just consider the possibility – what if there is nothing wrong?  What if you just require to be even more patient?

Could you perhaps give yourself permission to accept that there might not be an answer as to why you’re not getting pregnant yet?  It may not be an easy thing to do, especially if you’re someone who likes certainty and closure, but striving to find an answer to a problem that may not be a problem, will drive you round the bend.

Can you see how, trying to find an answer to a problem that might not exist, is not the most rational approach. If you’re on this roundabout, it’s because you’re driven by an emotional need to know WHY.  You’re likely to spend a lot of time and attention focusing on potential problems and that focus is actually taking you away from what you actually want.

Could you instead, turn your attention to WHAT you want – it might help you to feel less anxious and more in control.

Good luck and if you’d like to join a community of women who are supporting each other though the emotional ups and downs of their fertility journey check out the Baby Making Mindset Club.


How Do You Deal With Disappointment?

It’s inevitable that trying to conceive will involve some measure of disappointment, because only 20% of couples are likely to conceive on the first attempt.  And the more months that pass with you not becoming pregnant, the more disappointed and dispirited you may become.  It’s difficult to ignore or escape from the disappointment, because there’s a monthly reminder that you’re not where you’d most love to be.  So how do you deal with disappointment?  Here are a few tips. 

  • Have realistic expectations.  If you’re under 35, give yourself a year to get pregnant before you begin to think there may be anything amiss.  It really can take some couples some time to conceive, even if they’re trying really hand, paying attention to timing, etc.  Don’t give yourself a hard time, don’t panic, and trust that the odds are on your side.  If you’re over 35, give yourself six months before you think about seeing your GP.
  • Don’t take it personally.  The fact that it may be taking you a while to get pregnant is a fact of nature, not a cause for blame or recrimination.  Everyone’s different, so don’t compare yourself to others.
  • Be patient.  Park any worries or anxieties you may have – decide on a date for action if you haven’t become pregnant and until then, just let go of your thoughts of getting pregnant and focus on something else.
  • Rest.  If you do get your period, give yourself permission to rest and nurture and preserve your energy.
  • Think about renewal.  Menstruation is a time of cleansing in preparation for renewal.  By day 5 of your cycle the endometrium is 2mm thick.  This new growth takes energy, so give yourself time during menstruation to retreat and allow your body to regenerate.
  • Accept.  Recognise and accept the changes.  Allow yourself, if you can, to release the hope and expectation that your last period raised. It’s natural and human to be disappointed when your period arrives, but holding onto that disappointment blocks the influx of new hope.
  • Be hopeful.  A new cycle brings renewed hope and anticipation.  There’s nothing wrong with being hopeful, provided you don’t hold onto that hope too tightly.

Think about holding onto your desire to get pregnant lightly and hopefully.  Too much intensity of emotion about your desires can be counter-productive: when we hold our desires too tightly, we stop them gathering energy and creating form.

Now, it you’re trying to conceive, none of the above suggestions are easy to do.  Pick one and work with it until you can be comfortable that you’ve mastered it and then you can move onto another to practice.  As you work your way through the list, you’ll find that it becomes easier, regardless of where you’ve started.

Good luck and if you’d like to join a community of women who are supporting each other though the emotional ups and downs of their fertility journey, check out the Baby Making Mindset Club.