Do Good Intentions Get You Down?

Do Good Intentions Get You Down?

Does helpful advice make things worse?

You’ve hit a bad patch: maybe you’ve had some bad news that makes you feel you’ll never get pregnant.  Or you’ve just run out of energy to be hopeful.  Does it drive you mad that the people who care for you most are trying, with the best of intentions, to be hopeful for you and to cheer you up?

You know that they want the best for you, but why can’t they just recognise your pain and be with you in that pain, instead of wanting to fix the situation?

Well you probably know that already.  It’s painful to watch another person suffer and not be able to do anything to make the pain better.  So your pain, is their pain.  And all the cheering comments and encouragement to look on the bright side are designed to lessen the pain – for you and for them.

And it’s not quite like a bereavement, where outsiders can identify with and share the loss: where there’s a sense of communal pain.  This is your pain.  And parents, by definition, won’t really know what you’re going through (unless of course, they’ve gone through it themselves).

It may drive you mad to listen to all the platitudes, but if you are able, cut them some slack – they’re doing their best, just as you are.  It’s hard to sit with someone in distress and just be there for them: the temptation to try and fix things can be overwhelming.

And sometimes their words may make things a bit better for you.

But you may also choose to explain that you only need a sympathetic ear and that you don’t expect them to make you feel better, that you need time to process and work through the pain before you can get to a point of feeling better.

And perhaps, you may also recognise that your anger and frustration reflect how you feel about your situation, as well as how you feel about other people’s responses.

It’s hardly fair, but one of the challenges of the situation you find yourself in, it to manage the people around you as well as to manage your own responses to your circumstances.  It’s not fair at all, is it?

Healthy, Happy And Pregnant – Just Imagine!

Happy, Healthy and Pregnant - Just Imagine

Happy, Healthy and Pregnant – Just Imagine

If you’re worried that there is a physical problem that’s preventing you from conceiving, it’s understandable that positive thinking and visualisation might seem like a waste of time, but if the following exercise works for you, you may just change your mind.

Anything and everything we say about the future if a big, fat lie.  The future doesn’t exist yet, so we can’t know what will happen until it actually happens.  We may know the most likely outcome, but it’s not a fact until it actually comes about, and so there’s always some level of uncertainty.

Now, we tell ourselves big fat lies about the future, all the time – it’s natural.  We create scenarios about what we think might happen, and more often than not, those scenarios that we have imagined become the reality.

What photo albums, slideshows or movies are you creating about your future?

After all, if the future doesn’t exist, and everything you project into the future is a lie, you might as well tell big, fat, helpful lies, that anticipate what you want.  All too often, we tell big, fat lies that are the opposite of what we actually want.  But life will be much more comfortable if you’re imagining a future in which you get everything you want.

Why not sit down right now, this very minute, and write down a list of what you want over the next year.  Really go for it! It doesn’t matter if you can’t imagine how it might happen – the object of this exercise is just to list your heart’s desires.

Now take a bit more time and get nice and relaxed.  Go into a daydream state and imagine how it would be if you realised each of these dreams.  Take each desire and imagine: how would you feel?  What would you be saying to yourself and others?  What would others be saying to you?  Imagine a picture of you having realised your dream – make the picture bright and closer and then turn the picture into a movie.  Give your movie a soundtrack.  Imagine yourself as the star of the movie, taking part, looking through your own eyes.

Once you’ve done that, sit down with a pen and paper and write a letter to your best friend and supporter – the person who would be most pleased to hear that you had realised your heart’s desires.  Write the letter as if you hadn’t seen them for a year and were telling them all the wonderful things that have happened to you in the past year.

Keep the letter and look it out again in a year and see how much has changed.  Of course, if you’ve read this, but haven’t taken the time and effort to actually DO the exercise, you may not be quite as successful.

WARNING: This exercise may work better than you expect, so make sure you ask for what you really want!

Something to remember when doing this exercise: getting pregnant is only the first step in having a healthy baby, so make sure you envisage not just getting pregnant, but also having a healthy and happy pregnancy within a loving relationship, having a trouble free birth and a strong healthy baby, not to mention staying fit and healthy yourself!

Can You THINK Yourself Pregnant?

human thinkingIf you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while (even a short while), you may find your emotional state is all over the place ……

  • swinging from hope to disappointment every month
  • impatient and wondering if it’s ever going to happen for you
  • jealous as you see other – perhaps less deserving women – get pregnant easily … by accident even!
  • isolated from friends and family if you’re not wanting everyone to know that you’re trying for a baby
  • frustrated as all you seem to notice now is mums with children and women with HUGE pregnant bumps (looking happy and radiant).

Emotionally you will probably have visited all of the above and more, much, much more.

And have you noticed that they’re all NEGATIVE emotions.  And holding these negative emotional states will put you into a negative state of mind.  And if you’re holding a negative state of mind, you’re body is likely to be listening.

Getting pregnant happens unconsciously, which means you have to harness the power of your mind at a deep, unconscious, level.

Wanting, hoping, deciding to get pregnant are states of the conscious mind.  Knowingness and certainty (especially in the face of evidence to the contrary) are states of the unconscious.

Your unconscious mind runs your body, so harnessing the power of your unconscious mind is vital if you want your body to do anything.

Knowing and expecting that you’re going to get pregnant somehow, some day, is a much more powerful state than hoping you’ll get pregnant.

There’s lots of anecdotal evidence of women trying to get pregnant then, as soon as they:

  • go on holiday
  • adopt a child
  • focus on a career move, new house, special project
  • stop trying and resign themselves to the fact it’s not going to happen,

they get pregnant!

Your thinking may not actually cause you to get pregnant, rather, it’s more likely that it can lower your chances of getting pregnant.  Wanting and needing are disempowering states of mind and often cause you to focus on what you DON’T want, causing you to attract more of what you don’t want, rather than what you do want.  So, make sure you harness the power of your unconscious mind to support what you want, rather than what you don’t want.

And how do you do that?  Well it may be a slightly different process for each individual, but there will be certain common features: learn to relax and visualise; remove any mental and emotional barriers to getting pregnant; make sure your belief system supports your desire to get pregnant; and focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.

Having your mind and body working together in harmony to support your efforts to get pregnant, will not only make the journey much more pleasant, but it may actually make your results more effective.

So, to answer the question, “Can you think yourself pregnant?”, the honest answer is, nobody really knows.  All the negative emotions associated with TRYING to get pregnant can certainly be stressful and that stress may have a significant impact on your hormones, creating imbalances which may contribute to reduced fertility.  Having a positive mindset will make the journey more bearable and you never know, it might help you get pregnant sooner.


Is Trying To Get Pregnant The Most Stressful Thing You’ve Ever Done?

Reducing stress

If you’re answer to that question is a resounding: “yes”, then you may be shooting yourself in the foot!

The more stressed you are the less likely it is that your body will be in a receptive state for conception.  And yes, trying for a baby is an emotional roller coaster, but there are things you can do to even out the peaks and troughs.

Stress is a very pervasive condition: it affects all of us – mind, body, emotions and behaviour.  It can have a very detrimental effect on the body – and hormones can be especially sensitive to stress chemicals.  If we’re stressed we don’t think clearly and we can be impatient, short-tempered and over-emotional – not good for the people around us!

Here are 7 tips to reduce your stress levels and improve your chances of getting pregnant:

  1. Relax – listen to a relaxation CD, this will put your mind and body into a neutral state and allow you to release tension and re-balance your hormones (and it feels great).
  2. Breathe – take long slow breaths and you will get relaxed very quickly.  This helps re-oxygenate the blood and gives the body a boost at a cellular level.
  3. Live in the moment – don’t think too far ahead and enjoy the now and your tension will just peel away.  Thinking about what could have been or what might be can create stress and (negative thoughts about the past or the future) can be disempowering.
  4. Be grateful – every day, think of 5 things that you are grateful for – it will help you keep things in perspective.
  5. Know what you want from the future, but don’t get too attached to it.  Detachment is one of the universal principles of getting what you want.  If you hold on too tightly to your dreams and desires, you choke the life from them.
  6. Go for a treatment – book a relaxing treatment of reflexology, massage, or whatever you fancy.  Treat yourself and let someone else take the responsibility for getting you relaxed, it’s bliss.
  7. Have a Plan B – decide what your life will be like if you don’t get pregnant.  You don’t need to plan in too much detail, but do have an acceptable alternative in place.  You’ll find that having a Plan B will take the pressure off and let you can allow yourself to be more relaxed than if you put all your eggs in one basket.  (Pardon the pun!)

The less stress you put yourself under, the better chance you give yourself of getting pregnant and the more comfortable the process will be for you.

Give some of these tips a try and let me know how you get on.

Is The Biggest Block To Getting Pregnant … You?


yes you canOne of your key concerns when you want to get pregnant is making sure you “beat the clock“: that you get pregnant before nature takes it’s course and egg numbers and quality reduce.  It can be a real psychological pressure that uses up lots of emotional and intellectual energy.

Could you be too depleted to conceive?

If you invest lots of emotional energy in your desire to get pregnant and it’s taking a while, you may be running down your reserves of physical, emotional and psychological energy.  That investment of your energy may be counter-productive because it may be creating a resistance that actually works against you.

Did you see my video about “Trying Too Hard”?  If not, the link is at the bottom of this piece and it gives an insight into the negative effects of trying too hard and how it can create resistance.

Resistance inhibits the flow of energy and it’s a source of stress.  Resistance is like trying to drive with the brakes on: you’re trying to move forward, but there’s a drag on that effort and the harder you try to move forward, the stronger the drag.  So what creates that resistance?

Emotional factors such as fear (of never getting pregnant), or trying too hard, or wanting a baby too much (in an obsessive way), or not believing you deserve to get pregnant or that you can’t get pregnant – will all create a drag, a resistance to the natural flow of life.

Are you creating resistance?  Are you getting in your own way?  Are you making it more difficult than you need to?

If so, write a list of all the ways in which you may be making life more difficult for yourself than it needs to be – for all areas of your life, not just your baby-making efforts.  And now for each item on your list, write down three things you might do instead to make your life lighter and easier.  You’ll find it releases a huge amount of energy and allows you to be more yourself.

For Example:

How I make my life more difficult                                                    Solutions

I’m constantly thinking about getting pregnant                         I’m going to distract myself with X, Y or Z

I’m going to harness my thoughts about getting                 pregnant by doing research about how I can improve my chances of getting pregnant

I’m going to do a visualisation every day, so that when I think about getting pregnant, it’s in a positive way

Give yourself permission to think of solutions that are simple and easy to apply – and maybe even a bit whacky! Allow yourself to become free of resistance and you will find it is possible to attract great things with ease and grace.

If you haven’t already seen it, check out my video on “Trying Too Hard”.

And if you want more help in overcoming some of the emotional challenges on your baby-making journey, join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club – it’s a private facebook group where you can connect with other women to give and get support.

Are You Ready To Receive A Child?

Are you so busy chasing your heart's desire that you forget to stop and receive it?

Get ready to receive your child with a change of mindset

Are you relentlessly chasing your dream of getting pregnant?  Have you do mountains of research on nutritional do’s and don’ts?  Do you have a regime in place to check ovulation?  Have you looked at herbs, acupuncture, and anything else you might do to improve your chances of getting pregnant?

And still you’re not pregnant.  Do you now worry that there may be a physical problem that the doctor’s haven’t picked up on yet?  Are you thinking about IVF or assisted treatments?

If you’re not getting the results you want, have you considered that your mindset may be holding  you back?  If your focus has been on chasing your dream, perhaps it’s time for a change.  After all that chasing the dream can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Maybe it’s time to stop chasing the dream and start getting ready to receive.

Oh, I know, it feels completely counter-intuitive: after all, how can not pursuing something bring it closer?  And for most people, even the thought of letting go their heart’s desire will be very, very uncomfortable. 

But think about the energy and intention of your actions – what do you think might be more in keeping with the process of creation: chasing after something, or attracting something to you?

If what you’re doing is causing you stress AND it’s not working, maybe it’s time for a change.  And sometimes approaching a problem from a new angle can help.

Instead of directing your focus on what you want, can I suggest that you try giving yourself a break and instead think about what you’re ready to receive, now.  How would it cause you to feel if, every time you thought about getting pregnant, it was in the mental and emotional space of getting ready to receive a child?


Try it now.  Just sit for a moment and begin to be aware of your breath going in and out of your body.  Notice how, with each outward breath you become more and more relaxed.  And then, imagine yourself in a state where you are waiting in quiet anticipation for your baby.  Imagine yourself being ready to receive this new life.  Enjoy the passive nature of receiving.  Notice how you don’t need to strive, or struggle, or be deserving: you just need to be, to be open, and to be ready and willing to receive.

If this exercise doesn’t feel comfortable or natural, then perhaps you have a bit of mental and emotional work to do.  Why not start by signing up at the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club, where women who are TTC get together to share their emotional journeys and receive some useful tips on how to develop a Baby Making Mindset.

5 Negative Mindsets To Avoid If You’re TTC

same old thinking, same old results

5 negative mindsets to avoid if you’re trying to conceive

Can your thoughts, attitudes and behaviours really affect your ability to get pregnant?  I’d say “Perhaps”.  But your thoughts, attitudes and behaviours absolutely make your journey to motherhood more or less fraught and emotionally draining.

Here are my top 5 mindsets to avoid if you want your path to pregnancy to be as painless as possible …..

1.   DOUBT

What you tell yourself is always right.  So, if you don’t think that you can get pregnant (or carry a baby full term) then that’s likely to be true.

Any doubt in your mind means that you’re not 100% – a part of you is holding back.  Perhaps it’s to protect you from disappointment, or pain, or for some other reason.

Doubt can create anxiety and stress and that really doesn’t help, if you want to get pregnant, or carry your baby full term.

But, that doubt – however large or small – is preventing you from being 100% committed to what you most desire.  Remove all doubt and become 100% committed towards your goal.


I don’t know about you, but I’m really fed up hearing lots of gloomy statistics about fertility rates for the over 35s.  In fact, I heard about a TV programme recently which was saying that if you’re over 30 your chance of conceiving goes down.

But …

Statistics are always pulled out in support of an argument or point.  I’m sure I could find a different set of statistics that supported an opposing view.

Statistics are figures, not people.  I personally know of lots of women who seem to defy the statistics by getting pregnant (both naturally and assisted) at 35, 40, 42 and even 46!

Good news is no news, so if you read it in the papers or watch it on TV it’s likely to be negative, gloomy and disempowering.  Can you imagine a TV programme being commissioned about a bunch of happy, healthy, 40 plus women who got pregnant nturally?  I don’t think so.

But if you follow the bloggers, you’re much more likely to find people who started blogging because of their difficulties in getting pregnant but who have subsequently become pregnant either naturally or assisted.

The truth you find, depends on where you look.  So, ignore the negative statistics and stories and start collecting success stories of women who’ve become pregnant under challenging circumstances.  It will banish your doubt and build your belief that you too can do it.

3.   FEAR

The fear that you won’t get pregnant has a negative effect on your body and can trigger anxiety and stress and so create the very circumstances you DON’T want.  Fear feeds doubt and stops you being 100% committed to realising your desire.


Now I’ve been talking about being 100% committed to realising your desire.  But obsession is 100% PLUS, and that’s taking it too far.

Obsession not only increases stress, but can have a very serious and negative impact on your mental health.
Obsession means you’re holding too tightly to that which you desire: obsession is a controlling state, not a baby creating state!


Anxiety is a stress state which can trigger depression and that in turn can reduce your ability to conceive.

Anxiety occure when we hold negative beliefs about the future – and what you focus on grows.  You don’t know what the future holds, so why not imaging a positive, rather than a negative future?  If you want to know why telling big fat lies about the future is good, check out my video at

If you’d like to join a group of women who are all TTC, join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club.  You can get and give support, have a bit of a moan and learn how to manage your mindset with the psychology of conception. You’ll find us at