Are You in Two Minds About Getting Pregnant?

Two Minds About Getting Pregnant

Are You In Two Minds About Getting Pregnant?

Could you be in two minds about getting pregnant?

What you desire on a conscious level, and what your mind is programmed to create on an unconscious level may be at odds with each other.

Sometimes your unconscious mind can sabotage your best efforts, so it’s important to be absolutely clear about a few things:

1.   What do you want?

Be specific and say it in the positive (what you want, rather than what you don’t want).

2.   What’s preventing you from getting it?

Take the first thing that comes up.  This really is a question for the unconscious mind, so your first, most instinctive response is likely to be the most accurate – regardless of how absurd.

Now, I know many of you will be saying “I don’t know” when you answer this question … but if you did know, what would you say?

3.   What would it mean to you to have a baby?

Again, be specific and positive.  Write to down, daydream about it.  Imagine it as if it were really happening now.

4.   What will you have to give up in order to have a baby and what impact will that have on your life?

Be very honest here, because a conflict between what you have now and what you may have to give up, in order to have a baby, may be stopping you on an unconscious level.

Imagine your life as it would be once you’ve had your baby and given up your existing lifestyle – is it OK? Really?  What bits of your present life are you going to miss most?

And when I talk about what you have to give up, I’m not just talking about “stuff” – a bursting wardrobe, luxury holidays, lunches with friends, favourite indulgences (if you’re lucky enough to have them)  – I’m also talking about career aspirations; time; control; how you define yourself; your existing relationships, your belief system, etc.

However you are placed work and money wise, something will have to change when the baby comes.  Is that OK?  Really?

It’s important when you want something, to be congruent, to have all of you – mind, body, emotions, behaviour and spirit – all moving towards your desire.

So, how do you know if your unconscious mind is sabotaging your efforts?  You can be aware of your behaviour – if what you DO is likely to get different results from what you WANT, then that’s likely to be self-sabotage.  For example, if you know you need to reduce your stress levels, but you continue to work mad hours, or you don’t take time out to relax, then you’re not being congruent.

Take care of yourself and pay attention to what you do.  Your actions need to be consistent with your desires.

Join the FREE Baby Making Mindset Club– it’s a private facebook group that lets you share, support, moan and generally get support on your baby making journey.  And you get free tips and hints on how to even out the emotional highs and lows.

Unexplained Infertility – Does Not Knowing Drive You Mad?

mad faceThe most common cause of infertility is unexplained infertility, accounting as it does for around 30% of infertility problems. Unexplained infertility means that, after investigations, doctors cannot find any medical problem causing infertility.  Is it driving you mad, not knowing what might be stopping you from conceiving?

You’ve been to the doctor, submitted to all the tests (which may have taken an age to organise), and still you don’t know why you’re not getting pregnant.  By now you may have convinced yourself that if you’re not getting pregnant then there must be something wrong.  Maybe the doctors just haven’t found it!

You go on-line and search for anything that might account for the fact that you’re not getting pregnant.  And of course, hormones are not the body’s most consistent, reliable and easily tracked function, so that increases the guesswork and uncertainty.  A few months of trying to find an explanation of why you’re not getting pregnant, and you may have convinced yourself that there is something really wrong that the doctors just haven’t found yet.  You may even have decided for yourself what that might be.

But have you considered that there may be nothing wrong?

If you’re under (or around) 35, healthy, and have had no history of menstrual problems, then it’s just as likely that there’s nothing wrong, than that you have some undiagnosed problem.  What may be happening is that you’re getting yourself into a state, which causes you to feel more worried and out of sorts physically and emotionally.  Your mind is focusing on what you don’t want – not being pregnant or having an undiagnosed problem – and that’s what you’re getting.  You worry that time is running out and that increases your levels of anxiety, creating an unhealthy internal environment which may knock your hormones out of kilter.

The thing about unexplained infertility is that it’s “unexplained”.  You don’t know and your doctor hasn’t been able to find a reason.  Trying to find a reason (when there may not be one) is likely to get you very stressed.

If you’ve walked this path, I’d ask you to consider the possibility that there may be nothing wrong (even after 5 or more years of trying).  You don’t have to believe it, just consider the possibility – what if there is nothing wrong?  What if you just require to be even more patient?

Could you perhaps give yourself permission to accept that there might not be an answer as to why you’re not getting pregnant yet?  It may not be an easy thing to do, especially if you’re someone who likes certainty and closure, but striving to find an answer to a problem that may not be a problem, will drive you round the bend.

Can you see how, trying to find an answer to a problem that might not exist, is not the most rational approach. If you’re on this roundabout, it’s because you’re driven by an emotional need to know WHY.  You’re likely to spend a lot of time and attention focusing on potential problems and that focus is actually taking you away from what you actually want.

Could you instead, turn your attention to WHAT you want – it might help you to feel less anxious and more in control.

Good luck and if you’d like to join a community of women who are supporting each other though the emotional ups and downs of their fertility journey check out the Baby Making Mindset Club.


How Do You Deal With Disappointment?

It’s inevitable that trying to conceive will involve some measure of disappointment, because only 20% of couples are likely to conceive on the first attempt.  And the more months that pass with you not becoming pregnant, the more disappointed and dispirited you may become.  It’s difficult to ignore or escape from the disappointment, because there’s a monthly reminder that you’re not where you’d most love to be.  So how do you deal with disappointment?  Here are a few tips. 

  • Have realistic expectations.  If you’re under 35, give yourself a year to get pregnant before you begin to think there may be anything amiss.  It really can take some couples some time to conceive, even if they’re trying really hand, paying attention to timing, etc.  Don’t give yourself a hard time, don’t panic, and trust that the odds are on your side.  If you’re over 35, give yourself six months before you think about seeing your GP.
  • Don’t take it personally.  The fact that it may be taking you a while to get pregnant is a fact of nature, not a cause for blame or recrimination.  Everyone’s different, so don’t compare yourself to others.
  • Be patient.  Park any worries or anxieties you may have – decide on a date for action if you haven’t become pregnant and until then, just let go of your thoughts of getting pregnant and focus on something else.
  • Rest.  If you do get your period, give yourself permission to rest and nurture and preserve your energy.
  • Think about renewal.  Menstruation is a time of cleansing in preparation for renewal.  By day 5 of your cycle the endometrium is 2mm thick.  This new growth takes energy, so give yourself time during menstruation to retreat and allow your body to regenerate.
  • Accept.  Recognise and accept the changes.  Allow yourself, if you can, to release the hope and expectation that your last period raised. It’s natural and human to be disappointed when your period arrives, but holding onto that disappointment blocks the influx of new hope.
  • Be hopeful.  A new cycle brings renewed hope and anticipation.  There’s nothing wrong with being hopeful, provided you don’t hold onto that hope too tightly.

Think about holding onto your desire to get pregnant lightly and hopefully.  Too much intensity of emotion about your desires can be counter-productive: when we hold our desires too tightly, we stop them gathering energy and creating form.

Now, it you’re trying to conceive, none of the above suggestions are easy to do.  Pick one and work with it until you can be comfortable that you’ve mastered it and then you can move onto another to practice.  As you work your way through the list, you’ll find that it becomes easier, regardless of where you’ve started.

Good luck and if you’d like to join a community of women who are supporting each other though the emotional ups and downs of their fertility journey, check out the Baby Making Mindset Club.


Trying To Conceive – It’s Not All Doom And Gloom

It’s easy to find plenty of doom and gloom in the media regarding the odds of getting pregnant if you’re 35 or over. In fact, I’m now beginning to notice that the age is coming down to around 30.  Is it just scare-mongering and hysteria? Certainly as far as the media goes, scare stories sell, so it’s not surprising that there’s a constant flow of stories about how difficult it is to get pregnant if you’re in your mid to late 30’s.  And obviously the science supports the fact that the older you are, the more problematic getting pregnant might be.

However, I think it’s gone too far.  What began as a reasonable and benevolent attempt by the medical community trying to encourage women to think about getting pregnant at a younger age, has been whipped into a frenzy of scare stories and panic by the media.  Bad news sells and the worse the news, the better it sells.

There are plenty of success stories out there, so don’t let the media and statisticians make you downhearted.  The more you absorb all that negativity, the more you are unconsciously programming your mind to create problems – problems that may not even exist.

I was doing a bit of research on this and discovered a story about AH from London.  She had problems with her ovaries and her husband had problems with his sperm.  They were told that the chance of them conceiving naturally was one-in-a-million.  They had three cycles of IVF – all unsuccessful and expensive – and then AH was told she was under threat of redundancy.  As you might imagine, her savings spent and her job on the line, she had to shift her focus from trying to conceive to staying in employment.  Then she discovered that she was pregnant – she now has two children.  AH is reported to have said, “Each time I’ve stopped thinking about it, I’ve got pregnant”.

So two lights of hope to this story:


   *   It is sometimes possible to buck the odds

   *   Sometimes not trying is more powerful than trying really hard

May I suggest that you consciously seek out good news stories about couples getting pregnant against all odds.  It could help you feel more optimistic and positive.

Good luck on your baby making journey and if you’d like some support along the way, check out the Baby Making Mindset Club.

The Psychology Of Conception

I’m totally fascinated with the psychology of conception and the answer to questions such as: How much does your thinking affect the intensity of your emotional journey to motherhood? Or, can your thinking make you be more or less likely to become pregnant?

Getting pregnant is a function of the unconscious mind. No matter how much you would like it to be so, you have no conscious control over the matter. One of the jobs of the unconscious mind is to run our body: monitoring a myriad of functions and making adjustments to keep our bodies functioning efficiently. But our conscious mind can have an effect on this – conscious choices on what we eat and drink, the type of exercise we take; choices about how we respond to the world around us which may increase or reduce our stress levels; our choice of belief system which support a positive or negative outlook, can all impact on the efficiency of the body.

Getting our unconscious mind to respond to our conscious will, is the knack which can create “miracles” in all areas of our life. But how?

Trying for a baby can be an emotional roller-coaster: fear; hope; disappointment; stress; jealousy; self-criticism; and a whole myriad of other emotions come into play. And these emotions will have an impact on both mind and body. Mental well-being can be affected (stress and depression) as well as physical well-being (endocrine system).

In terms of the psychology of conception – the way we respond to our fertility challenges – there are a number of elements which come into play.

Our beliefs act as a filter for our reality: if we don’t believe something is possible, it’s very unlikely we will experience it. An example of this would be a person with a poverty belief (I’ll never be rich), who wins the lottery, but very quickly ends up broke. Someone who believes that she will get pregnant, regardless of time, medical history or any other factors, is more likely to get pregnant because her helpful belief supports a stress-free and positive state of mind and body.

Expecting a positive outcome is important. And a positive expectation must ignore any negative experiences from the past – the past is NOT a predictor of the future. (Of course, please feel free to project any positive experiences from the past into the future).

It’s very important that every atom of you is behind the belief and expectation. No BUTs are allowed! Oftentimes when we desire something big and seemingly unachievable a part of us holds back – we don’t REALLY think we can; we want to protect ourselves against disappointment; etc, etc. Every part of you needs to be heading towards the desired objective. Achieving congruence can often be a process of chipping away at any barriers that may arise, but once congruence is achieved, the sky’s the limit.

Once belief, expectation and congruence have reached 100%, it creates certainty. You know that feeling that something is going to happen – you don’t know how, or when, you just KNOW it will happen. Certainty is a feeling. It’s the feeling that tells you that your conscious and unconscious minds are working in harmony. The feeling of certainty that something will come into being allows you to hold onto your belief, expectation and congruence, regardless of what other people say or what seems to be true. And it helps to create a stress free situation in which there is no resistance or self-imposed pressure: it creates a state of being in a flow – a state in which all things may be possible.

Having a positive Baby Making Mindset may help you get pregnant, but it will certainly ease the suffering of your fertility journey.

I’d Like To Help

I’d like to be a true friend to you.  I’ve been very conscious of the fact that I’ve posted a lot of motivational posts on my facebook page over the last few months. Nothing wrong with that, I hope you’ve enjoyed them.

But, a picture and a few words that get a like now and then, don’t necessarily change anything.  And the motivational posts are designed to change not only how you think, but also what you do.  Because the essence of change is that you DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  The only way to get a different result, is to do something differently …

Stressed out?  Then try yoga, or a relaxation class, or change how you think about what’s stressing you out.

Depressed?  Do something to energize yourself and lift your mood – go for a walk, have lunch with a friend, go to a movie or the theatre.  Or, if you’ve been feeling very low for a long time, see your Doctor.

Isolated?  Find a support group or take up a new hobby so that you meet new people.

It’s all very easy for me to say, but it’s probably not that easy for you to do, otherwise you’d have done it by now.

stone feetBut I’d like to change all that.  Because I want my motivational posts in the future to be linked to blogs that offer practical tips or activities to help you change what you do.  Or perhaps spend a bit more time digging down into the detail of the motivational quote to find out why we don’t go away and take all those actions that we know will help us to feel better.

But I need your help to make sure that I’m covering topics that are relevant to you, so any suggestions you have about the biggest challenges you face, or the changes you find most difficult to make will help me focus on what will really help you to stay sane and positive on your fertility journey.

Please post your suggestions about what topics or issues you’d like me to cover on me facebook page

Or better still, join the Baby Making Mindset Club – a community of women who are supporting each other though the emotional ups and downs of their fertility journey.

Is 40 The New 30 For Fertility?

number fortyPress stories about infertility often recite facts to show that waiting too long can dramatically affect a couple’s chances of getting pregnant.  And of course it’s true, nature is unrelenting – egg numbers and quality undoubtedly reduce with age. It can all seem very dispiriting and gloomy, but is it an over-hyped and skewed picture?

Individual circumstances will vary, and in general the earlier you think about having a baby the better chance you have of conceiving.  But what is the reality?

Well here are some facts that I’ve  researched about fertility:

  • The number of British women over 40 who have given birth has doubled in the last 15 years.  As has the number of British women over 45 who have given birth.
  • By age 40, 33% of couples have problems conceiving.  (That means 67% of couples over 40 don’t have problems conceiving).
  • Humans have a 25% chance of conceiving each month and most couples achieve a pregnancy within 12-18 months.   (If you’re over 35 you should only wait 6 months before consulting a doctor).
  • 10-15% of patients seeking fertility treatment have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
  • Around 31,000 cycles of IVF are completed every year in the UK, 25% of which are done within the NHS and 75% of which are privately.
  • 10,000 IVF babies are born each year in the UK and since 1978, 70,000 IVF babies have been born in the UK, and 3,000,000 worldwide.

When I did a search of “mums over 40″, I found a string on asking how many new mums over 40 there were.  I stopped counting after 23 comments from mums aged 38 to 45.  And another string had over 1,000 posts.

And the celebrities like to get in on the act too: a bit of research unearthed the following selection of a long list of celebrity mums over 40:

  • Susan Sarandon: first child born at age 43, second child at age 46.
  • Geena Davis: first child born at age 46, second child at age 48..
  • Jane Seymour: twins born at age 44.
  • Iman: second child born at age 45
  • Kelly Preston: third child born at age 48

Other celebrity mums over 40 include: Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Tina Fey, Jennifer Connelly, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Jane Krakowski, Nicole Kidman, Marcia Cross, Celine Dion.

Of course, celebrity mums have no problem paying for treatment and it’s likely that the older the mum, the more likely the conception has been assisted (and particularly through egg donation) – I just wanted to highlight the fact that there is still hope for women over 35 who want to get pregnant.  And what you focus on grows, so I’d like to suggest that it’s more useful to focus on the positives rather than the doom and gloom, because at the very least, it’s likely to cause you to feel better.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that it’s not more difficult to get pregnant (either naturally or assisted) as you get older, but what I am saying is that bad new sells and the more sensational the press can make it the better, because they sell more copies.

And if all you hear are negative stories, then it makes your expectations and beliefs more negative.  So perhaps you may want to begin to seek out all the positive results that older women have in getting pregnant.  Get a scrap book recording all the instances of women getting pregnant and having babies against all the odds, because the more exceptions there are to the rule, the more likely you could be that exception.